I'm a romantic at heart: my Kindle is filled with romance novels I'd never dare to buy in-store, I keep a secret wedding board on Pinterest, and the idea of spending the rest of my life with the man I love makes my heart race. Why then, did I avoid relationships so long?
While I was single, I fully embraced that life. Although I looked at boys, I never looked for a boyfriend; I was happy to keep someone at arms-length that I could still create a connection with. This allowed me to create an allusion of myself, never getting close enough to find depth or vulnerability. I never truly felt rejected because I never felt they were me.
When finding someone I did want to commit to, who I found became my friend and my rock (and who came with a great pair of lips), I was thrown off-kilter. Who was this boy to come barging into my life, making me care about things?
Suddenly I'd spend my days wondering what he thought about me, and if he thought about me. Anxieties grew over whether I was good enough or sweet enough or if I texted him too much. After not caring what any boy thought of me, I suddenly cared about everything a boy thought of me. At first these insecurities felt overwhelming, I wanted to be myself but was afraid that wasn't what he wanted. That, maybe, after choosing him, he wouldn't choose me.
Relationships scared me because it left strings which wound around my ottoman and get tangled in my shoelaces, tripping me during the day to make me look where I'm stepping. Being someone's girlfriend caused me to examine myself closer; I wanted to be my best for him just as much as I wanted him to be my best for me, and I worried I couldn't manage the two.
However the longer I spend in a relationship, and the more open conversations I have about my fears, I realize I had been chosen as well. And he's a pretty lucky guy. Luckily he even reminds me of that, with every heart emoji and good morning phone call, but I've learned I need to remind myself.
Dating is scary, the idea that this man may leave me, after sharing my whole self, terrifies me. However, the man I love loves me back, despite my quirks and anxieties and short-comings. And if he didn't, then we wouldn't be putting up with my calls at 2AM deciphering his text from this morning.
I've learned how to love myself, but maybe its time to learn how someone can love me.
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